Cancer Caregiver Journey: Starting Our New Life

Barbara Baroff Kavanagh, MSW, LCSW

Dear Friends:

It has been a long, hot summer! For cancer patients and their families, summer isn’t always an opportunity for vacations, or fun and relaxing. The kids are home from school, but mom and dad still need to work and keep up the same routine of doctor’s visits, or treatment. Finances can also be an issue. Many couples, families or singles who are battling cancer don’t have the extra money or time to get away. Sometimes, simple and short getaways or ‘staycations’ can help. If you haven’t had a break, please try and do something special with friends and family before summer ends. Try a backyard barbecue, visiting a friend with a pool, or a drive to a cooler place just for a change of scenery before the fall schedule and routine starts again.

For the Caregiver, summer or any Holiday isn’t time off. We often have the same schedule and same routine. We are still the Caregiver! It is a full time, year round job. A lesson that I have learned is sometimes we need to give ourselves time off and time away. Even short mini-trips can help! Or, maybe you need a ‘no commitments’ time just for you. Possibly a day spa; yoga retreat; a night out with friends; a movie, concert, or whatever ‘works’ for you. If you are a guy caregiver, you might prefer to go to a ball game, fishing, to the gym or just have lunch with your buddies. The important thing for both men and women is to schedule some time just for you.  Most important, don’t feel GUILTY. You deserve it!

Some important Lessons that I have learned:

* There are religious, cultural, geographic, age and gender differences in the way people deal with cancer. What we all have in common is fear, confusion, sadness, anger, and an array of other emotions and practical concerns.

* The word Cancer makes other people uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say to you, or they tell you about a friend or relative with cancer. It is not your responsibility to make them feel better. Accept their ‘I’m so sorry’ and either ‘move on’ or let them know some way that they can be helpful.

* You are a Cancer Care-Giver not a Cancer Care-taker! You are ‘giving’ of yourself, not ‘taking’. There Is no rule-book, nor one right way. We are each different and so is our patient.

* Delete the words: ‘I should’ and ‘selfish’ from your vocabulary. There are too many ‘Shoulds’ in our lives. We need to try to balance what really needs to be done and what can wait,  or what someone else can do. I recommend that you consider what is really important for you and the one you care for. ‘Selfish’, according to the dictionary, means ‘caring for self’, which is what we all need to do.

* Take time to say ‘I love you’ every day and share a moment to appreciate yourself and each other! And, my husband’s advice over the years is: Have a laugh! He leaves a cartoon or joke on my computer every morning!

It would be great to hear from you. Email me, go to my website: www.azmylomanetwork.org, and look me up on Facebook! Share your own advice, inspiration and Journey. Together we can make a difference and be a true Cancer Caregiver community!

Best Regards,

Barbara